I was talking with someone the other day and they brought a few things to my attention. Things that I am hoping will help me along my healing journey. I have reached a point where it is necessary to go deeper into my own self and find the things that need working on. This may not be a fun part of the journey, but it is a very necessary part. Sometimes we must travel through the darkness to get to the light on the other side. As I’ve said before, I think we all have our own demons to deal with. I lived with my abuser’s demons also for 32 yrs yes, but I always knew I had a few of my own tucked away too. So now will be my chance to discover exactly what *MY* demons are and battle them, conquer them, so I will finally be free to live my life and find that true happiness that is just there. Not a happiness you have to depend on someone else to present to you. Not a happiness you have to look for and make for yourself, but a true, deep down and permanent happiness that will be there every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. One that will carry me through my days and allow me to just live a normal, happy life. I use to have that kind of happiness in my life but it was taken away from me so long ago that I’m not sure exactly how to find it again, if I can find it again or if I find it again will I recognize it even? This should be an interesting journey.
Another point brought to my attention recently was like one of those *ahhhhhh* moments or maybe I should say *ahhhhhhh HA!* moments. Do you all know how long I let things go around my home simply because I was too distraught, depressed, crazy, sickly to care much or do much? Well, it took me about two years to really get to the point of noticing this problem and realizing I needed to try harder to catch up on things and then it wouldn’t be so hard for me to keep it that way right? That’s how I’ve always looked at it when I got behind on things. But problem being that when I’d have a feel good day and start to tackle it all there was SO MUCH TO TACKLE! I would work my butt off all day and nearly kill myself with my aches and pains and, no seriously, the next day after I would hardly be able to walk around the house at all and that would last like a week or so and by then it looked like I never did anything to start with……very overwhelming and disgusting. Well, someone told me the other day, “Stop trying to catch up! Don’t overdo yourself, do a little at a time, baby steps and just start in doing your routine stuff. Eventually everything will fall into place and things will all be done.” I’m telling you in my mind there was this evolutionary light bulb that went **BRIGHT** LOL why didn’t I ever think of that? It made perfectly good sense….It sounds much less worrisome and much less overwhelming doesn’t it? LOL go figure….So that’s what I’ve been doing since and ya know, I feel so much better about things already and feel so much lighter.
Well, another thing brought to my attention is that I don’t know how to turn it off….I care TOO much, is that possible? I think it is when it begins to affect your own personal world yes, it is possible that we care too much at that point. I know for years now I’ve been so busy running around trying to take care of everyone else’s needs and keeping them happy and keeping the peace that I slowly forgot how to just be me and worry about me, take care of me. Well, I was told that it is possible to care and all that but then when the time comes for me, I can turn it off for a while and not worry about anything but me. Now, I’m not exactly sure about this one yet but sounds good and I’m going to try my best to learn this new trick. I started thinking about it as we talked and I realized that hey! I didn’t use to be this way! When did that change? Well, it changed after I got married is when it started changing. You see I was so determined to be the perfect wife and mother when the kids came along that I would bend over backwards to make sure my husband was a happy man of the house. I waited on him hand and foot and gladly so, I took care of anything he asked of me and his smile and/or affection was plenty of payback for me. So I WAS the easy target for an abuser for sure. By the time I started thinking wait a minute….he’s suppose to feel the same way and treat me as nicely as I treat him. He’s suppose to show me love back as much as I do him. He’s suppose to want me to be as happy as I want him to be and do for me sometimes, think about me sometimes, let me have a voice in things that concern my life also. But by the time I was starting to notice these things I was also very confused from all the brainwashing, the manipulating and the training that I couldn’t make up my mind if I was seeing things clearly or not. I noticed others and I thought to myself well this is pretty normal I guess. You know the 1 in 4 women that experience some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime? Yeah, you see them everyday you just don’t realize it because when you live it too you think well that’s normal. But all this caring turns into such a habit and such a part of your life because you have to start caring to feel safe and then when your kids come along you have to care as much for them and protect them so much to make certain that they too stay safe that it conditions you to be this way. I think? That is how I’m seeing it looking back now after my talk with my friend on the subject. It is never good to feel you need to protect and keep safe anyone else more so than yourself. It is never good for you nor for the ones you are trying to protect. And I guess that is where the co-dependency thing kind of falls into play somewhere a long the line too. I knew if I wanted any peace of mind and happiness in my life I had to fight to keep those around me peaceful and happy. Thus if they were happy, I was happy period the end its all it took to keep me happy was for THEM to be happy because I would be SO relieved everyone was smiling and laughing and SAFE. I’m not sure if any of that made sense to you but to me, yes, it makes perfectly good sense for a change.
So I have learned quite a few things from my friend. And I have quite a few more things to ponder on still and many, many more things to learn I think. But, the up side is I am learning and I am feeling better in a very short time because I am understanding a little better which I hope will help me to improve myself and bring my life into a more positive overall existence. I’ll keep you posted on what’s next when there are a few more new things to share. Maybe you can relate in some ways and it may help you along your way also. That is after all what I would like to see is smiling faces and people healing from abuses because we all have the right to be happy and live our lives in a positive life. We all have the right to feel loved and cherished as we can give out to those whom we love and cherish, we deserve the same in return.
Written by Debbie Naylor Cox ©2013 November