written by Debbie Naylor Cox©April 2013
So many days of my life were spent right here in this room. Not in this actual room of course, but in a place much like this one where the feeling of gloom and doom and filth filled the air so heavily that it weighed me down. I never could figure out just exactly where it came from. The darkness was always like a thick fog in my mind, I couldn’t see it clearly, it was just there. However there was always a little glimmer of sunshine, which was the only thing that kept me going as I developed a knack of finding happiness where ever I could in a day and made positives from that little glimmer of light and hope. I developed a way to push the gloom and ugly back so far that I didn’t have to look at it most days and just learned to concentrate on the glimmer of light no matter how small. I became a real pro at doing this. Every now and then no matter what I did that glimmer of light would fade and I’d feel the heaviness over my head again, that crushing feeling that there seemed to be no escape from. A total feeling of gloom and doom that zapped my energy and put me in a foggy dark moment in time where I could seem to do nothing but wonder why I was there to begin with. I never understood where that darkness came from really or what to do about it other than search desperately for that little glimmer of light that I could concentrate on and push that darkness back to the back of my mind so far that I didn’t have to think about it anymore for a time. And at those times no matter what, I could be happy, I could feel light and convince myself that my life was good, normal and very complete. The problem with that was if you looked around really good all you could see was emptiness, darkness, filth, nothingness. In a house full of decent furniture and all the necessities of life, all there really was was loneliness, emptiness and darkness. It was a nothingness existence. It seemed I fought constantly to hold onto any little glimmer of light I could find. It was very exhausting.
After many years of living like this, it got even worse. It became a desperate struggle every single day to find that little glimmer of light, that little corner of hope in my world that I could build from to keep myself sane and happy. However all the years before had taught me well and made me that much stronger. It was a struggle no doubt but I managed to convince myself that I could chase that darkness away and turn it to light. It was a make believe world I was living but I did not realize that then. All I knew was I was a very strong person, a survivor, because even though I knew very little about why the darkness seemed to follow me around or where it originated from, I felt I could control it and keep it from destroying me. I felt that I could one day figure it all out and make it go completely away. After all, I was strong, I could do this and I alone could tackle the darkness and fix it all where there would be nothing but pure light and happiness for all. But instead of that happening, the darkness grew, the fog engulfed my world so slowly that I never saw it coming. One day BAM! There I was in hopeless despair not realizing what hit me upside the head. Wondering, “where did I go wrong? What do I do now? Surely there is still hope….” The light in my days started quickly fading away, the darkness was taking over and I was lost in the fog. The gloom and doom became a constant in my days, a part of me that just seemed to latch on like a leach and suck the life out of me. It became a part of me which made it impossible to run from or chase away any longer. So I lugged it around with me everyday. Most days I was able to hide it from others, I didn’t want them to see that ugly, filthy part of me.
Then one day I finally realized that that gloom and doom and all its darkness didn’t belong to me! It wasn’t mine to own! It was never actually a part of me! I accepted it and made it a part of my life through loving the person that it actually *did* belong to. It finally became very clear to me what I must do to be rid of that darkness once and for all.
I don’t live in that gloom filled room anymore, I’m happy to say. Happy! Yes, Happy! And you can be happy too. But you first have to realize that you don’t have to and you will never be able to *chase* that darkness away. It is like a leach that plants itself on you and sucks the life out of you very slowly but, it is not part of YOU. You CAN REMOVE it from your life and be free to find the happiness in your days that was really always there. You do not own the darkness, because of all the confusion and fog, the darkness owns you. Let it go so you can once again see the light in your days.
After many years of living like this, it got even worse. It became a desperate struggle every single day to find that little glimmer of light, that little corner of hope in my world that I could build from to keep myself sane and happy. However all the years before had taught me well and made me that much stronger. It was a struggle no doubt but I managed to convince myself that I could chase that darkness away and turn it to light. It was a make believe world I was living but I did not realize that then. All I knew was I was a very strong person, a survivor, because even though I knew very little about why the darkness seemed to follow me around or where it originated from, I felt I could control it and keep it from destroying me. I felt that I could one day figure it all out and make it go completely away. After all, I was strong, I could do this and I alone could tackle the darkness and fix it all where there would be nothing but pure light and happiness for all. But instead of that happening, the darkness grew, the fog engulfed my world so slowly that I never saw it coming. One day BAM! There I was in hopeless despair not realizing what hit me upside the head. Wondering, “where did I go wrong? What do I do now? Surely there is still hope….” The light in my days started quickly fading away, the darkness was taking over and I was lost in the fog. The gloom and doom became a constant in my days, a part of me that just seemed to latch on like a leach and suck the life out of me. It became a part of me which made it impossible to run from or chase away any longer. So I lugged it around with me everyday. Most days I was able to hide it from others, I didn’t want them to see that ugly, filthy part of me.
Then one day I finally realized that that gloom and doom and all its darkness didn’t belong to me! It wasn’t mine to own! It was never actually a part of me! I accepted it and made it a part of my life through loving the person that it actually *did* belong to. It finally became very clear to me what I must do to be rid of that darkness once and for all.
I don’t live in that gloom filled room anymore, I’m happy to say. Happy! Yes, Happy! And you can be happy too. But you first have to realize that you don’t have to and you will never be able to *chase* that darkness away. It is like a leach that plants itself on you and sucks the life out of you very slowly but, it is not part of YOU. You CAN REMOVE it from your life and be free to find the happiness in your days that was really always there. You do not own the darkness, because of all the confusion and fog, the darkness owns you. Let it go so you can once again see the light in your days.